


but I've been there and if I can survive

by TheRangress



Series: you should have told me (but you had to bleed to know) [2]
Category: Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-19 23:27:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13134408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRangress/pseuds/TheRangress
Summary: Secrets can be shared without saying a word.





	but I've been there and if I can survive

Renarin, after a duel, was mopping the sweat off his face when he saw Kaladin.

“Captain!” He snapped to attention, flinging his rag to the floor.

“Hi,” Kaladin said. This room full of ardents and lighteyes set him ill at ease. All eyes were on the legendary Stormblessed.

“Did you… want to duel?” Renarin’s hands twisted, punctuating his unsurety.

“I wanted to talk.” He coughed. “In private?”

“Of course!” In an instant Renarin was scrabbling on the floor for his discarded rag to put it away. In quick succession he mumbled a quick “nice fight see you next time” to the ardent he’d dueled, put his wooden sword away, and pulled his shirt back on.

Kaladin nodded and moved, leading Renarin into the hall.

“I _hate_ dueling strangers,” Renarin said, adjusting his collar. “Especially strange ardents. I don’t like ardents.”

Of course. It was odd, to know Renarin so well and so little. “Neither do I.”

Kaladin turned to open a disused door. It led to a small room, with a window. That would do.

“Except Zahel,” Renarin noted as he walked in. “I do like Zahel.”

“Everyone likes Zahel.” Kaladin shut the door quietly, and leaned against the wall. “Except Zahel, I think.”

Idly, Renarin paced the room. “Of course not. Whoever heard of a person liking himself?”

“Arrogant bastards,” Kaladin said. His gaze followed Renarin, as he brushed his fingers along the walls. Kaladin swallowed and looked away. “A few days ago, you asked me what I wanted.”

“I did.”

He looked up— Renarin, frozen, one hand on the wall. “What do you want, Renarin?”

The reply took more than ten heartbeats. “What?”

“What do you want?” Kaladin’s voice was too low, too soft. He barely recognized it as his own.

“Glory in battle,” said Renarin, still hesitant. “My family, and Bridge Four, safe. Happy. I want… I want to be the pride of my father. I want to be respected. My want is endless, I think.”

“I know,” Kaladin said. “I mean… storms.”

He crossed the room in long strides. He put a hand to Renarin’s shoulder, then his cheek, then lips to lips.

“Do you want _that_ ,” he asked. _Do you want me?_

Renarin looked down, his hand moving to rest on Kaladin’s arm. “I want you to shave.”

“I can shave.” He leaned in, a breath closer. “Is that… does that settle it?”

“It settles that you’re shaving.” So slowly it ached, his head came to rest on Kaladin’s shoulder. Kaladin settled his cheek in Renarin’s tousled hair. “I want what you want, Kaladin. You’re my captain. I swore myself to you and I’ll stand by it.”

“I’m not worthy of that.” He should have backed away. He didn’t. “Everyone sees Kaladin Stormblessed, and speaks of me like I’m the Almighty, but don’t you know better? For all they speak of Radiants having the strength to be something divine, the pieces can’t be put back together anymore. I had the chance to speak the Fourth Ideal and I failed. I _broke_ the Third, for a time. I’m fallen too far.”

“My father started drinking again. He’s stopped, but…” Renarin stopped, placing his head a little more snugly in the crook of Kaladin’s neck. “Jasnah nearly killed me. I was going to let her. If you’re unworthy, we all are.”

“Maybe we are.” His hand moved to clutch Renarin’s hair. “I’m not divine Stormblessed or the heroic captain, Renarin. I’m just broken.”

“You’re both.”

“ _No_ , I’m not both, I’m— ”

“You’re a hero because you can be strong when you’d rather die.”

Renarin stepped back, rubbing at the back of his neck and looking anywhere but Kaladin.

He took a moment to speak. “Sorry.”

“No need.” Shoulders quaking, Renarin took a deep breath. “You still _did_ all the things people praise you for. Only— it wasn’t some legendary hero, fearless and undefeatable. It was _you_. Broken, frightened you. Isn’t that more admirable? I don’t trust people who aren’t broken, Kaladin. They’re the ones who do the breaking.”

Kaladin’s eyes shut, and his head bowed. “And what if I can’t do them anymore?”

“What difference would that make?”

He shivered as Renarin’s hand gently laid on his shoulder.

“I could be strong for you,” he said. “If— if that’s what you want.”

“Yes,” Kaladin said, mouth dry. His breath caught on every heartbeat. “I— I— please, Renarin.”

There was a lingering kiss to his forehead, steady arms around his chest, and a heartbeat in his throat.

“How are you so steady?” he breathed. The tension of his body melted, relaxing into the eternity that was Renarin’s strength.

“I’m a stubborn bastard.”

He let out a breath, and touched his fingertips to Renarin’s face, hot with a blush. Their smiles were shaky, but real. “You are.”

After a hesitant moment, Renarin took Kaladin’s hand and pressed a kiss to it.

No more need for stumbling words. Their minds were one— to touch, to be held, to be alone in this room and _together._  

“Adolin.” Renarin jumped back, eyes wide. “I… he wanted to meet with me to clothes. I mean, to wear clothes. To… choose clothes. For the wedding. Wedding clothes.”

“Oh,” Kaladin said. “Have fun with clothes.”

“Do you want to— uh..” Renarin coughed. “I’m sure he’d understand if we… ah… told him?”

Kaladin took a breath. “I don’t think I want anyone to know about this.”

“Neither do I.” Renarin rubbed at the back of his head. “If people know, they could talk.”

If they knew, they would have it entirely wrong. This was the only truth, and other people couldn’t see past the crumbling facades of Kaladin and Renarin. “You go wear clothes. I’ll shave.”

His smile was starlight. “Once Adolin is done dressing me up, I’ll find you.”

Renarin leaned in, brushing his lips against Kaladin’s.

Without another word, he turned and left.

Kaladin breathed slowly, ignoring the weakness in his knees. All the secrets Renarin had kept in his life, and now they kept this one together.


End file.
